Of Hell
by supposed rockstar
Summary: The reality behind such bitterness.


Song-fic number 94 or something. Very fragmented use of the song but I felt to use it not for its inherent meaning but for the burst of whatever that hit on the 8th.

This song is a CLASSIC though. I was obsessed w/it in 3rd grade.

_

* * *

I'll never lie to you and that's a fact but I'll never forget the way you feel right now.  
I know you can save me; no one else can save me now but you._

I'm working on my third pack of cigarettes and my three thousandth cup of coffee and I can't escape those haunting eyes, those eyes that spoke more about you and me than any pop idol, Top-40 song you could ever write. I try to block out your voice and your demands to step away from her, _leave her alone._ The bubbling water is still soaking into my skin. The sheer hopelessness of it all is still in my pocket, right next to forty-eighth cigarette I'm about to inhale.

You gave up on me, girl. You gave up.

How much honesty must I give you before you stop wanting to kill me? How much must I give you to make things okay? I'll give the life that I live and the air that I breathe because it's true, after all: maybe I can't make it work with anyone. I told you gospel, though. I gave you my word and it isn't enough anymore.

You were my beginning and end and the forever's in-between. You are the moronic clichés that threaten to be spoken when I see your face. You are the pounding in my ears when the world dares to try and deafen me. _The Moonlight Sonata _under the pale starshine trampling on the blurry street lamps that cast shadows over my bed, you are my miserable saviour complex.

_Some days I pray for silence, and some days I pray for soul.  
Some nights I lose the feeling, and some nights I lose control.  
_

Do I lie now? I do, I will admit. I'm not angry at you for losing the faith; I deserve such a verdict. I'm not angry at you for believing the poetic corruption whispered into your ear by Eden's snake. I'm angry at myself for destroying your useless lie.

Breathe in, breathe out; five seconds of intermittent calamitous peace that gathers in my lungs and tastes of some foreign anesthesia. Breathe in, breathe out; five minutes for the tick-tock of grandfathers who's pendulum swings against my favor. Breathe in, breathe out; five hours until I'm face to face with you, my condemnation. You'll be happy to know that I choke on number forty-nine. You'll be happy to know that it isn't coughs that wrack me now.

_Maybe I'm lonely and that's all I'm qualified to be.  
_

How could I have driven you there?

You could have done anything but give up on me. Hurt me, use me, turn around and never let me see you again; you could have done so much more than that. You were my redemption's song. You were the ace on the river when I gathered twos and sevens on the flop. I'm all-in, girl. I'm all-in and you've pulled your rosy red pair to shadow the mixed up bluff that I've been trying to pull off.

Do you think it serves me right? Tell me you really don't think I deserve to dwell in the house of some monolithic oppressor. I told you the truth! _Nothing happened! _

The chips are stacked and down. I won't ever be Grand Master. I'll never be good enough for anything other than this ash covered dining room table. I won't ever have the chairs filled and maybe that is what I'm worth.

_  
Will you make it all a little less cold?  
Can you make it all a little less old?  
_

Please. That is all I can give you. Please. Soften up towards me, please. I can prove my innocence; you don't have to think of me as Red's wolf. I'm not some great pretender. Don't fall to the sidelines of my monotony. Can't you pretend, as my last hurrah, that you still have faith?

_I know the territory; I've been around.  
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down.  
_

Girl, this isn't anything new but this is the only time that I can't adjust. Fifty-four is dirty with the misalignment of our astrolabe. I'm in the cascade now and there is not another card for my hand. Save a little hope for me at the bottom. Don't let this blow on and away.

I can't explain it and that is far worse than the aforementioned. Just believe me when I tell you...

_I won't do that._


End file.
